Matters of Heart I'm proud to say I'm feeling better le, not in the health matters but of heart matters... Haven been thinking much of him recently; ever since that day i told myself "he really isn't worth it!"

But it wasn't smooth sailing though; small things can make me think of him, Cars of the same models, things that we have done together, etc... I know it's silly of me to keep thinking but I’m an emotional animal lah, small things can cry one, so this is consider a big blow to me liao k...

I should really get myself forget the time that he told me that he is touched by my gesture… Imagine how happy I felt that time, but not long later he went MIA due to a new GF… I told myself then, “I’m not special after all; any friend can do it for him”… even though my heart went to him again after he told me they have broken up…

Can you imagine, his present (i do not whether is it from him or both of them or the few of them) gave it to me for my 2005 birthday is standing on the rack, and i feel that it is mocking at my foolishness every time i look at it...

I have already remove unnecessary photographs in my room, that’s why i did the spring cleaning that day, and I still have a drawer which I haven got the time to check out... It got more things inside and I should throw them away...

I have deleted a lot of his messages, do not wish to continue to pretend that they are meaningful…

I have asked myself this question a lot of time, Do I really like him or is it because he is the person that have treated me well over the years. I admit that I enjoy the comfortable feeling being around him, but I realize we do not have much common interests / topics... It is always me listening to his topics, his interest... Even when we are out, I do not really enjoy their games, their sports, and the things they do...

I have become another person, a puppet that has no mind of its own...

Examples: -

1. I love singing, especially like going to KTV but they do not like singing, and because I want to be near him, KTV has to be out of the items of things that we can do together...

2. I started to Club… I do not really like getting the smoke smell all over myself and have to drag myself back home in the middle of the night… Although now I do enjoy an occasional clubbing sessions…

3. They are playing LAN games and I will sit by the sidelines and watch them play… From young I have never really play computer games, Nintendo games etc, so I’m never good at these things, they do not really catch my attention for long…

4. I have learned playing pool from them too, but nowadays I’ll sit by the sidelines watching also. But this is due to me; not wanting to play lah, nothing to do with them, haha, I’m out of point…

Although there are things that I have learnt from him in the past, but I do not wish to continue as a person that’s unlike me... I won’t be as loner as I was before poly but not the person that has no mind of her own…

Ok, nowadays people must be bored with me keep writing about unhappy things, but feel happy for me that I’m ready to forget and might even lost this friend… After all he doesn’t really need me to be around especially now… I’m just afraid that I would close my heart again; hopefully this time it would not happen… I won’t want to wallow in misery for too long, now there is only one thing that is important… MOVE ON !!  ¶ 5.1.06